I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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