I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
