I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
