It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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