Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
