community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
