Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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