I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
