dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
