youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
