i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Please, let me fuck your mom
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I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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