just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
