they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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