Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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