Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
