WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
