If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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