You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
