Barsexuality is the new black.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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