I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
