my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
