btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
