my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
