hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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