so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
