We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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