I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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