I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Life is so much better after having sex.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
