I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
