Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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