Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
