shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
