Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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