i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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