Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
