i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
