you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
