Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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