I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
