All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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