I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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