Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
