It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
