I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
