chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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