We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
