It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
