Where is the hickey?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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