I've blown a few things in my day
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
