Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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