Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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