We won't sleep together?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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