i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
