After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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