I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
