i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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